There's a lot going on, and a lot I could talk about, so I'm not so sure where I'm starting.
Some people have been talking about auditioning for other schools and transfering if they get accepted somewhere they want. While I'm not among them, I'm afraid I possibly should be. I have yet to truly feel I fit in here - Miami's not my type of atmosphere, people, climate...and I really don't know how happy I can be here. At the same time, if I'm going to transfer, I need to know NOW because I need to do applications and start thinking about auditions...which I don't want to do. Then there's the problem of money - even if I get into, say, Michigan - how in hell are we supposed to pay for it? I didn't go to NYU because of finances, Michigan wouldn't exactly be cheep. That's the only school I think I relaly feel like dealing with - I'd love NYU but I don't think I'd get enough music there - I'm not even getting enough music here - and I'm a music major. FSU means friends from home and I really want a chance to start over. BW, Otterbein, Ithaca, BOCA...I don't think any of these are necessarily any better - or fit me as well - but I think Michigan'd really make me happy. I don't know. I just know that I don't think I can last 4 years here. I mean - maybe I can - I love Dr. Alt, NDavid, and Clay...but other than that there isn't a really strong reason for me to stay. I'm not getting the music I want, I'm not going to get the accademics I want, and they're not pushing me enough. The lifestyle of Miami doesn't really fit me, and I'm simply not feeling motivated. I don't feel I'm at college - I think I'm still at a camp...but it doesn't get any better. Just an endless cycle of meaningless friendships where I don't feel particularly a part of anything. But I'm probably not good enough to get into Michigan anyway...so I don't know who I'm trying to fool.
Who can I talk to? I don't know if I should talk with Dr. Alt, or Clay...if anyone here really knows me enough to know what makes me happy. I don't feel like I've made friendships here that will truly last me 4 years...much less past those 4 into the rest of my life. I don't know. I really just don't know, and I know I need to figure it out.
I've been really depressed already several times this year, and that can't mean good things about the life I'm living here. I've been missing high school and this summer...and they weren't even that great! I couldn't wait to get to school...now that I'm here I'm not sure it's so right for me. I never thought it was a great fit - just the only option of mine that worked - and I'm not one to settle for less than the best.
I really need to talk with someone about this...and figure it out within the next few days.
I'm also broke, without time for a job - applied for one, interviewed, was practically assured a position until we realize my schedule wouldn't allow it - and yet I don't feel like my crazy busy schedule is doing enough for me to grow as a performer - so what's the point?
I also still don't have a computer which makes life hellatious, and for a project due tomorrow I have no idea how I'm getting from here to there.
Not tan, still feeling fat and indaequate, unmotivated to do the work I claimed I loved to do. I'm just feeling quite lost.About me